A letter to my son about girlfriends and emotional attachment

Recently I was asked “why do girls feel more emotionally attached after having sex with a guy?” and I thought this would be great to write to you about so you could read it whenever you felt you need too. This question, however, is much deeper and more complex than the simplicity it was asked.

The first question you should ask is what attracted her to you? That’s where all this magic starts! In the very initial stage, it could be how you look, a smile, a smirk or whatever physical trait caught her eye. Secondly, it most definitely has to do with your personality and how you interact with her because physical attraction will only go so far with a girl and there has to be a deeper more meaningful connection for the next step of your relationship with her of being a couple.

So the big question was “why do girls feel more emotionally attached after having sex with a guy?”. When you have been in a relationship and you both decide to take it to the next step and have sex chances are very good that she will need that emotional connection with you because it’s a much more intimate act for her than you may realize.

Many women tend to be very guarded when you first meet them and there’s a reason they have what we call walls. These walls are their fears and one by one you have to let them come down when she’s good and ready. This you cannot rush.

For her it’s the deep trust of a new relationship, she gives herself mind, body, and soul letting you into her world completely. She is trusting you to be that person she needs, to not hurt her, to give her the time and love she needs to be intimate with you.

When your girlfriend decides to have sex with you she’s allowing you to become a part of her. She is literally inviting you into her. To share something with her that is sacred, her body! Now I know saying this your thoughts may be it’s natural for them as it is for us, but the reality it is not the same for your girlfriend as it is for you as you can’t imagine what it would be like to have someone enter your body.

As men, we can’t imagine the emotional security we would need to share our own bodies in such a way. So when your girlfriend has sex with you think about what it means to her to let you in and share her body with you.

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Fathers Day not my cup of tea!

The thought of a day where people celebrate my fatherhood has never really been my thing. I have never needed the approval, the pat on the back or the “expensive presents” that have come with Fathers Day. If I’m very honest with you the thought of my children buying me presents on Fathers Day bothers me greatly simply because I wanted to have them. I didn’t have them to shower me in gifts once a year for wanting to have children to love and cherish. To me it seems a bit odd to even want or expect a gift that day because in my case I have three gifts already and  their names are Ryley, Logen and Olivia and those three gifts are all I need.

I already know I am a good dad because everyday I wake up and I do my very best for them. I know they see it (maybe not always), but eventually they do. I see it in their eyes, the young people they are becoming, the decisions they make, the words that come out of their mouth, the hugs and kisses I have received, the “I love you’s”. I see and hear my fathers day everyday in them. On Fathers Day I do not need much! Just a hug and an “I love you”, a cup of coffee (if they feel like it) made just for me the way I like it and that’s more than enough for me.

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What if women ruled world?

Lately I have had this question in the back of my mind “what if women ruled the world?” and this question stems from watching the goings on in the world. I can’t help but wonder if wars would rage as they have since the beginning of time? Would famine be as blatant as it is now? Would we still have countries? Would borders exist? and about 500 more questions that I still ask myself!

Now I am not talking about these lady politicians that we have now who have to be like the men in politics otherwise they would not get anywhere. I am trying to imagine how this world would be if from the beginning women ruled the world? Now to be honest every time I try to imagine what it would be like I only pose more questions to myself so I have brought this out for thoughts or discussion.

So not to direct my own thoughts I want to leave it here and see what discussion comes of this? I am truly interested in reading and responding to your thoughts on this ! Please leave your thoughts in the comment section and I will respond as quickly as I can.

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Depression: Let’s talk World Health Day 2017

As someone who has dealt with depression and continues to I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about it! The World Health Organization defines depression as “Depression is an illness characterized by persistent sadness and a loss of interest in activities that you normally enjoy, accompanied by an inability to carry out daily activities, for at least two weeks.”

In addition, people with depression normally have several of the following symptoms:

• a loss of energy

• a change in appetite

• sleeping more or less

• anxiety

• reduced concentration

• indecisiveness

• restlessness

• feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or hopelessness

• thoughts of self-harm or suicide

Even though it’s hard for me to admit let alone to put it out there for anyone to read I have gone through all of these and to be very honest at times it felt like they were all there at once! I’ve had days so bad where I would break down several times crying from being so overwhelmed with everything! Depression is something you can’t just get rid of from one moment to the next especially if the issues that have gotten you to that point persist in your daily life.

I am not claiming to be an expert by any means on depression. All I can do is tell you that you are not alone in your internal battle! There are many people out there even though they wear a smile in public behind closed doors they are far from that person you saw. There are many people like myself who can smile through most of the day and no one to the wiser of my feelings or my thoughts.

Depression is a bugger and it affects you in so many ways emotionally and physically. It can drain you of all your mental and physical energy and truly leave you feeling “yucky” for lack of a better word. It will simply suck the life out of you!

There is a certain stigma attached to depression and most people will never put it out there for everyone to know and I get that! I have put myself out there for the simple reason that doing so helps one person then it was worth it! I am fully backing the World Health Organization on April, 7, 2017 on World Health Day on their campaign for depression.

Depression can affect anyone. So this campaign is for everyone, whatever your age, sex, or social status.At the World Health Organization, we have chosen to pay particular attention to three groups that are dis-proportionally affected: adolescents and young adults, women of childbearing age (particularly following childbirth), and older adults (over 60s).

Please join on April,7,2017 in sharing your story or simply support sharing other posts and articles on depression and let others know it’s ok to not be ok! Use hashtags #letstalk #depression #mentalhealth

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Want to know how I got my kids to do chores?

I had been struggling recently with getting my kids to do their chores. I tried everything from being calm and asking (repeatedly) to get things done to trying to run chores like a boot camp and in the end we would all end up frustrated and irritated with each other. Of course the more time that went by me feeling exhausted and finding it easier to just get it done myself I found I was getting a bit sour doing most of them myself. So I started thinking about how I could turn things around?

I then remembered about an account I have followed for a very long time on Instagram called Homey app and off I went to research deeper in to their app as I had to do something? I downloaded it from iTunes and started to play around with it and found it might work! I set up my account and added the kids to it and started use the app.

What I love about Homey app is the simplicity. It’s easy to set up and easy to use once you wrap your head around it’s many features. You can set chores for your kids by taking a simple snapshot so it works for younger kids as well. Everyone gets notifications when their chores are due and when your children complete their chores they simply take a photo, so you know what got done. Every chore is worth a determined by you amount of coins and points. When your children complete enough chores they can claim one of the rewards set by you such as an allowance, screen time or anything else that you choose.

So if your looking for a way to get your children to do their chores I would highly recommend you download it and have a serious look at Homey app as I love it and it works for us. To get started download the app on Apple app store or Google play.

Reflections on Anti Bullying Awareness Month (Guest Post)

As a single mother of three children I thought I understood bullying.  I’ve read every  definition and policy on it from daycare to preschool to grade school now.  I’ve preached against it to my own children, I’ve tried to teach against it and redirect it on the playground and at play dates.  We watch movies like Mean Girls and celebrate Pink Shirt Day every February.  For someone who thought she had “got it” I’m feeling awfully confused and disillusioned on this topic of late.

In his final grad year of elementary school my son has become an unlikely target of bullying.  As I try and deconstruct the situation I am struck by more questions than answers that delve into personal parenting styles, disciplinary action and responsibility at our school and even in our society at large.  Ian is a typical twelve year old boy.  A tall, attractive and athletic boy he has always been quite popular in his class among the girls and the boys.  Last summer Ian lost interest in two boys in his class who were engaging in activities in the neighborhood which he appropriately regarded as bad judgement.   They were breaking into abandoned buildings, setting fires in the alleys, and sneaking out and walking the streets at 1 am.  Quite independently and quite quietly he simply decided these activities and therefore these kids weren’t for him.

This was not well received by these two boys, who we shall call Charlie and Marco.  Charlie, a bright, straight A and highly persuasive student is the stereotypical ring leader.  Hatches the plan but has the fall guy carry it out, and never, ever gets caught.  The fall guy, and conscious follower in this case, is Marco.  Charlie and Marco decided early in Grade 7 that Ian’s departure from their activities was not ok, and quite deliberately and effectively set out to make Ian’s life hell.  It began with teasing and taunting, tormenting comments that insidiously weighed down on Ian.  It moved into public mocking for his interests in basketball and more active torments like stealing his basketball and enlisting younger children to hide it and bury it in the sandbox. Bullying continued to engulf Ian’s school life through conscious exclusion, directing others to not speak to him, not sit near or beside him, and to perform silly rituals if anyone were to touch something that Ian had last been in contact with.  As a mother I watched Ian become quieter, almost stoic about school, until one evening about November he burst into tears in the car acknowledging how crushing the cumulative effect had been and sadly reflecting that he had no friends in what would be his graduation year, I quietly approached the school despite his request to solve it himself.  The gym teacher kindly offered Ian a reprieve.  He could use the school gym to shoot hoops during recesses and lunch hours to avoid contact with these two boys.  It worked as an evasion strategy but with it came even more isolation.

Around this time Ian began finding his lunch bag disassembled in the classroom sink and filled with water.  The teacher asked who was doing this.  No one could figure it out, though everyone knew.  Christmas holidays were a welcomed reprieve that arrived not a moment to soon.  The color appeared to return to Ian’s drained face and as he spent time with close family friends and was reminded what healthy relationships look like.  It made me realize how far off of “normal” he had gotten in the social cage I was dropping him at Monday to Friday during the school year.  The holidays ended and January arrived and I felt like I was sending Ian back to finish a sentence in a prison of sorts where I had little to no control of his day to day treatment.

And in fact, January ended explosively, when I received a call from the principal asking if anything had happened at our home the night before.  I had been at work but my nanny reported someone coming and banging loudly on the door, which she would not open.  The principal informed me that another student had come forward after playing after school with Charlie and Marco the day prior.  He expressed concern about “how much” these boys hated Ian and more concern about a plan they had made to come to his home and set off fireworks when he opened the door.  They claimed to already have the fireworks.  I had already forwarded screen shots of text messages sent to Ian’s phone threatening that Charlie could “see him” and “knew where he lived” only a week prior to this.  The principal appropriately now saw the severity of the situation.  Not only was this a threat, but they had come to the door of our home.  Bullying was now beyond the school 9-3 and extended to our personal residence with threats of fireworks in the evening.  Suddenly this seemed very real.  The school called the  VPD youth services and an officer attended.  He pulled Charlie and Marco from class searched their bags explained to them the risk and consequences of their actions, including that after 13 they could be criminally charged.  Marco was tearful and afraid and appeared remorseful.  Charlie showed no sign of remorse and bragged he had beat the system since the “cops didn’t find anything”.

I was shaken by how far this had come. How had things gotten this far?  How had we spoken and documented the slow but steady erosion of Ian’s sense of self and overall happiness as a result of bullying and yet things had continued to progress to this point? At least I assuaged myself, we were here.  It was real now.  We were steps ahead of those most horrific stories of bullying that we all hear amid the pink shirts in February.  But were we?

A week later, these two boys remain at school.  The have offered Ian apologies, one semi sincere, one insincere.  And otherwise, Ian tells me, life is pretty much no different.  Charlie continues to ring lead and plan activities with the conscious exclusion of Ian.  Marco states he doesn’t want to be a bully but wants to continue to be friends with Charlie, which requires certain behaviours.  Ian no longer wants to attend school at all or calls asking to come home mid-day.  His mood is lower and if anything he appears almost hopeless and cynical in his confirmed acceptance that there will be no consequences for these boys’ behaviours.  Half a year of emotional abuse and threats coming as far as his front door.   No punitive action, no suspension, no call from Charlie’s parents, no nothing.  Effectively, a scare by police, a sorry and another chance, all handed out in a seamless return for one boy to another hellish day in seventh grade.

Ian is disillusioned and hopeless.  Stoically accepting there is no cure for this and instead that it is something he must quietly endure for the next five months, provided it doesn’t get worse.  But then, well the trajectory tells a different tale. And what if it does get worse?  All we know from this is that there are no consequences.  This perplexes and concerns me.   Why no consequences?  How can we learn without consequences?  Is that not the very essence of Pavlov’s notion of behavior? So what is withdrawing the consequences here?  Does it lie in permissive, protective, “head in the sand parenting”?  Does it lie in limitations of schools’ abilities to implement consequences for bad behavior?  Whatever happened to suspension?  Does it lie in the perhaps overly forgiving and supporting values of Christian schools that may unknowingly protect the bully over the victim?  Does it lie in  law enforcement’s limited effectiveness with youth or sensitivities in evidence requirements?   As I said at the beginning, I have more questions than answers.

What I do know is it sucks.  Bullying in schools absolutely and brutally sucks.  Ian is a fairly self-assured confident kid.  And every day since the beginning of September I drop him off at a place where his self-esteem and his very happiness are eroded relentlessly.  We’ve done everything we’re supposed to.  We’ve followed every guideline in every handbook on bullying.  We engaged other students, other families, the teacher, the principal and even now the VPD.  And at the end of the day, when my part broken son looks at me and says “See Mom, I told you it wouldn’t make any difference.  I told you nothing would ever change.” I am both heartbroken and chilled because I know he’s right.  Without consequences, bullying will never go away.  But how do we affect some consequences in this mess?  I will be holding my son close and sharing a common sense of hopelessness this anti bullying day sadly.  We can do better to beat bullying Vancouver.  But we need some consistent consequences for the behaviors.  Otherwise we are sadly enabling and empowering our bullies.  And that scares me.

 

 

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When you make your blog real!

There is nothing harder than pouring your heart and soul on to a page for all to see! It’s like the quote “I wear my heart on my sleeve” and it leaves your heart exposed for whatever comes at it good or bad! Recently I have taken the choice for the world to meet me and I am putting myself out there more and more, little by little. Now some of you may be asking “what does he mean by that?” it simply means that though here or social media I am being myself!

Whether it’s a blog post, caption, quote, video or a live stream I have promised myself to be me and show the world I am more than just a parent and I have more depth than just being a parent! So far the journey has been amazing and everyone who follows me has been amazing with how they have welcomed the new me. I honestly could not have imagined how well received it’s been. To everyone that’s welcomed the new me “THANK YOU”!

I wanted to talk a bit about what happens when you finally let go and stop trying to create as perfect image as you can of you and your life, because our lives are not perfect and no one is impenetrable to a not so perfect life. I can tell you it’s absolutely relief! We all have our moments even though as we scroll through Instagram and see all these perfect moments captured and it can get to you as a person especially when you are in a moment of life when things are not so great in our own lives.

I’ve seen many times when people have put it out there that they are taking a break from it all and working on themselves. You know as  follower that something has happened and they are overwhelmed and cannot deal with seeing everyone’s perfect life. So what happens when you share a thought or feeling’s that are not so positive on social media? Big things start happening! People relate to you better, people understand you better because they see themselves in you!

My best piece of advice I can give is be yourself on your blog and social media and you will see incredible things happen! Things you never imagined including the freedom of being yourself! Nothing feels better than not having to worry about the next perfect post, picture or caption!

Why I will always be a feminist!

I was raised by a woman who put a lot of blood sweat and tears in to raising me! More so than even my dad as he was gone to mining camps most of the time as I grew up. For the most part of my childhood I had just my mom to run to whenever I needed anything. When I think back now and my mom had five children she was raising the youngest being a baby and the eldest being just 18. I can’t imagine how she held it together herself for so many years other than pure love for us!

This is a woman who 45 months growing us all in her body, who spent a total of 35 years at home raising us till the last one of us was ready to move out and all the happiness and headaches raising so many children over so many years. Quite honestly when I think of it it seems unfathomable that she held it all together!

After we all left the house my mom wanted to go back to work and quite honestly after so many years of being at home the only jobs that she qualified for were cleaning jobs and they were all low paying back breaking jobs. I now wonder how that works because she spent 35 years running a household through good times and bad times, much like running any company out there! The only difference is she was running a family!

To me women are completely amazing! They go through so much more than a man in their life time! They have periods and all the ups and downs of them, menopause, pregnancy, hormonal changes that go with each of these! Yet everyday they wake up like any man and put their best face forward to whatever degree they can. Yet somehow some men see it as an attack on their manhood that women ask for the same rights as us!

So if having the same respect and wanting equality across the board for every single man woman and child on this planet is being a feminist or whatever other “ist” I need to be I will be it! Not on person is better than another, some are just more privileged is all!

Why I don’t do Facebook groups!

When I first started blogging everyone was inviting or saying how I should join groups on Facebook, so I did and joined quite a few. As time went on and I read and watched how they work and the things that were said (mostly all closed groups were the ones where things would be said) I became disillusioned with them!

There are two things that bothered me about being in these groups. First off they are self serving for the admin of the group which is usually a blogger and their rise is off the blood, sweat and tears of the people inside the group which is great, but I am here trying to build my blog and brand up not theirs. Second of all the closed groups were the worst for me as I saw some fairly distasteful posts put up in them!

I thought long and hard about these groups and my involvement in them and literally thought I should stay in them for my best personal gain and link dump, but my better judgment took over and one day I left them all! I do belong currently to 2, but they are because I love what I see in them and they make me a better person and a better blogger!

I would rather support a fellow blogger by following them on their social media and have the mindset to share their links as I run across them or they can even tag me in their link and I am more than happy to share it! I am not a selfish blogger by any means as I firmly believe you get out what you put in. I have met some amazing people in my time blogging and I enjoy it immensely.

So the next time you join a group have a look around and make sure it’s a group that is going to make you a better person and a better blogger! That’s just my thoughts though and really it is up to each individual and what they want to be associated!

#wineandboobs January, 17, 2017

For those that have never linked up on #wineandboobs (STOP GIGGLING WHEN YOU SAY IT!), it’s a linky I had been running up until September 2015. I am now bringing it back with my co-host Alan from OMG It’s a Girl! The theme of #wineandboobs will be the same each week… Link your favourite post up! It can be an old or new post. Thank you all so much who come and link up with us or just to read the awesome content linked on #wineandboobs! You will make my week and the posts I know will all be so great to read.
Please feel free to link as many posts as you wish. Make sure though to comment on at least 2 of the posts and give them a shout out on your favourite social network or all of them! If you want to share your post via twitter, make sure to tweet me @moderndadpages and Alan @OMGitsagirl2015 using #wineandboobs and we will be sure to retweet for you.


If you so wish you can like me to Facebook, pin me on Pinterest, check me out on Instagram or follow me on Google+. Oh and don’t forget you can always sign up on my mailing list too, so I can remind you when my linky’s are starting or anything else that will be happening on my blog 🙂

The linky will run from Saturday 6 AM GMT till Tuesday 6 AM GMT

To link your post click on the inlinkz button below and copy and paste your post when prompted and follow the instructions.

Happy linking everyone!

If you are not sure how to link up Cuddle fairy has written a guide to linky’s click here to find out how.

I am encouraging #socialsharing. I would love it if you would share on your favourite social network one post and tag me in it with “I shared on #wineandboobs @moderndadpages” and of course the person you are sharing for. #socialsharing is a great way to support fellow bloggers 🙂 I hope you all love the idea!

Don’t forget to add my badge to your page or you know what will happen 😉 lol

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