I originally wrote this confession to myself! Hoping that writing it out would allow some of my worries about being a dad and the thing’s that keep me awake at night would subside. It helped a little to write out my confession, but they still do not allow me to sleep. I may one day unlock this for all to see, but right now I have chosen to keep it locked and let a chosen few read it and see if I am the only one out there who literally can’t sleep and feel guilt ridden sometimes about their kids.
As in most social media blogging seems to be mostly of how beautiful my life is and you rarely get a glimpse of what other thing’s may be going on behind that blog and blogger. Admitting things to the world can be hard and scary as you put yourself out there everyday, putting on a happy face for everyone, even when you feel horrid inside. I find myself awake again and staring at my screen trying to write a post that’s upbeat and happy, but it’s just not in the cards again. As many of you know I haven’t had the greatest couple of years with losing my dad, my mom now waiting to pass on and a few other deaths in the family. I haven’t had time to grieve properly as life was kept very busy and it all weighs on me. My biggest confession of guilt is my kids. I feel like I have not been there for them as I should have been! I have had moments of self wallow and breakdown. They are happy kids and always have a smile. I am there for them from when they wake up to when they go to sleep. I tell them I love them and hug them everyday. I take them wherever they need to go, I cook, clean,do laundry and maintain the house and I find time to work in there too. My guilt runs deep though. I sometimes feel like I am failing them as a father. I wonder if I push them enough to succeed, but yet I am scared to push them to hard they will fold under pressure? I wonder if I show them enough love? I wonder and what their future holds for them? I wonder if I do enough for them or do I do to much and they can’t be independent? I love my kids so much and I worry about them all the time as all I want is the very best in life for them! I want them to have everything they dream of in life and to find their passion and live it! Long story short… I stress about them and want to give them the world, but not in a way that they don’t appreciate life and the thing’s that they do get. Mostly I don’t want them to ever hold these stress’s I do! In thinking of them, here is one of their favorite songs as of recent and it’s one of mine too as it’s got a “chill” beat!
I had to learn to breathe on my own, no one taught me, guided me or even talked to me about it! Life has a way of consuming you from the inside out. Even as adults we forget this how important it is to breathe as life gets so incredibly busy we simply forget and move through our days feeling completely overwhelmed inside.
I know this may seem a bit odd to you as we are built to breathe and we do it without thinking, but there’s a difference between breathing and to breathe. One we do it as our bodies need oxygen, the other is to clear your mind and let out all that overwhelms you and lets you feel a moment of calm, happiness and peacefulness.
Every single person has their own way of doing this. Myself I have many ways of taking these moments as life seems to be completely overwhelming these days and I’ve been finding it harder and harder to breathe, but I find a way every single day.
For example yesterday was a beautiful warm spring day and the sun was shining, people were out and about and I was driving and my chest was so tight from thinking of everything I needed to do. Your grandma was being transferred out of hospital to a care home and I had the perfect storm going on in my head.
This song by Maroon 5 took me back to a time when I was happy before grandpa passed and grandma got sick and at that moment life was perfect as I had everything I wanted and needed in life. As I sat at the stoplight listening to the song I felt the warmth of the sun on me and my thoughts slowed down of life now and I was transported back and found myself calmed inside as I found a happy place even if it was for just 4 minutes. It was the best feeling to be able to breathe.
Do not ever forget to breathe! Make it a part of your everyday. Find a moment even if it’s a brief moment to slow your mind down, calm your inner self and just breathe with no worries, concerns or stress. To breathe is to let yourself free of the jail in your mind and for a moment soar to places that leave you feeling warm, happy and calm.
I wanted to pass this on to you now so you didn’t have to learn this on your own and I am hoping learning it so early in life you can find a way to have more moments like that through your days.
Just as I know one day you will fall in love, I know one day you will have heartbreak! When your heartbreak’s, you grieve over what once was, what is no longer, and what can not be. Heartbreak doesn’t just live in your emotions even though that’s where it starts. Heartbreak can leave you with a feeling of anxiety like someone is clenching your heart from the inside, an inability to concentrate on anything else. Heartbreak can leave you with feelings of depression, questioning of why, disbelief, feeling of doom, pretty much every bad feeling you can imagine and maybe more.
Like this Bruno Mars song when I was your man, heartbreak you will feel many things and a big one is regret. In the song he talks about “I should have bought you flowers and held your hand, should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance, take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance”. You need to find a way to replace the “I should have with “there’s nothing I could have done” otherwise the “I should have” will eat you up inside as you keep reliving the moments. In the song if you listened carefully at the end he started saying “I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand, gives you all his hours when he has the chance, take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance” and that is a lesson in it’s self. It may be impossible for you to do that, but you need to try.
I used this song as a metaphor, but really it can be used for either. Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter how it is written, sung or felt. The feelings of desperation, anxiety and hurt are all the same and the best you can do for yourself if you are feeling heartbreak is to live it as long as you need too. Some may live with heartbreak all their life and some for a day,we are all different and the best I can do is be there for you when you need me. I won’t promise I can take the pain away of heartbreak, but will be there to listen to you, to hug you and support you the best I can.
What can I tell you about love? I know that one day it will happen! Someone will come in to your life and whether your god smacked immediately by them or it’s a slow burn, that someone will change you forever. You will feel things go on inside you that you never knew you could feel. Every sight you see, every emotion you feel, every nerve in your body you feel it!
Love is the most exhilarating, scariest, most wonderful, most intense feeling all at once. You feel as though your whole life was lived just to find that one person. When you are in love with someone, that person becomes a part of your hopes and dreams. That person becomes a part of you. When you are in love with someone, you think about that person when he or she isn’t there. The thought of them makes you smile. The love that you have for that person scares you because it’s so powerful. To trust someone with the most sacred and delicate thing that we have to give, our heart, is a scary thing. But it makes you feel so alive to know that there is one person in the world who you feel is worthy of receiving the most precious thing that you have to offer.
When this person comes in to your life I want you to not be scared of love, opening up and letting them in to who you are! Embrace love and give it 100%. You will only ever know true love if you open up completely and expose yourself to what it can bring good or bad. Love is not always great, it can hurt, it can sting, it can make you miserable, but you need to know all the emotions that come with love so you can understand it the best you can.
Know this though from whatever you take from this letter, when you fall in love you will be changed forever. The course you were on before you met them has now changed, the way you see the world has now changed, the way you feel in this world has now changed, you have changed. You will never be the same person you were before you met them! For good or for bad they will always be a part of you and how you get on in the rest of your life is up to you and all I can do is be there for you!